If You're Not The One
You know, it's really the little things that kill me, that twist the knife just a little bit more. Like yesterday, when I was on my way home, walking through PSE, seeing that place where you usually sat and waited for me, imagining you there. I remembered the time when you were talking to Malen when she was having problems with her love life, and you were so sweet in comforting her. I remembered walking the other way around so you couldn't see me and I could creep up on you and surprise you...I remember so many things just from that one place.
And then the place where we always waited for the bus. I could imagine us there, arms around each other as always, that first hug on Saturday morning being the best. God, how I wish I could hold you again. I loved just feeling you close to me, and burying my face in your neck, inhaling the scent of you.
And then, on the way to work today, the bus didn't stop off at Paseo, so I had to get off at Sykes, and of course all those places brought back so many memories as well. I remember our big fight in front of the RS, when I kinda pushed you, near those white picket fences. I remember the corner of that building next to RS when I held you so tight because you wanted to leave me and I didn't want to let you go. I remember spending so much time in front of RS, where the Landbank sign is now, waiting for the bus and having a smoke.
And of course I remember THE place, where it all started. I remember us not being together yet, and me playing with your hand. I remember the pen you gave me. I remember SO MUCH. (then again, I remember you getting irritated at me for not remembering some stuff YOU remembered! :p)
I finally told someone. I had to get it out of my system. In a way, it also hurt, because it was the first time I acknowledged it, the first time I made it vocal, the first time I made it real. Up until that point no one knew (well, no one who didn't get on Friendster and looked at our profiles, of course), and I guess I could just pretend that it wasn't real, that I could avoid it, that I could somehow convince myself that we were still together and just in a really long, bad fight. But no, now it's out there.
I told V. We were talking about personal things, her feelings and stuff, when I figured it was a good idea to broach the topic with her. She was shocked. She couldn't believe it. She asked if you had your period. (hehe) But I told her this time felt different than all the other times before. This time felt final.
And you know what? She had her own story to tell. She was with a guy for two years. She started getting bored, like you now, I guess, and felt she needed a change. So they broke up, and after that happened, she realized that she still had feelings for him. She realized that she DIDN'T want to break up. But it was too late. Does that mean you're gonna do the same? I don't know, I don't think so. But I think if we ever do get back together, our relationship would have already changed because of it.
And then, I read this one guy's post on a message board, that he was with a girl for 3 years, I think, and she all of a sudden told him she wanted to move out of their place because she wanted to feel how it would be by herself again. She cheated on him (well, officially not, because they broke up), and felt so bad. He eventually took her back, and they're still together now, but, again, things were different already.
I guess girls wanting to just be by themselves happens more often than I thought! Bottom line, though, things are different. Or maybe, they have been different for you for a long time already?
I haven't told anyone else, though. I was thinking about texting Jenny to see what she thought, but I haven't. Budjik emailed me just saying hello, and I could've emailed him back with the news, but I didn't. I don't know, we'll see, I guess.
I've thought about moving on, though...you know, finding someone new. V said she had this friend who was asking her if she knew any guys she could be set up with, so that could be a possibility. Kensai also said he may have people to set me up with, but...I'm not ready yet.
But I don't know. I can't even imagine being with someone else...because, damn it, you're the only one I want.
And then the place where we always waited for the bus. I could imagine us there, arms around each other as always, that first hug on Saturday morning being the best. God, how I wish I could hold you again. I loved just feeling you close to me, and burying my face in your neck, inhaling the scent of you.
And then, on the way to work today, the bus didn't stop off at Paseo, so I had to get off at Sykes, and of course all those places brought back so many memories as well. I remember our big fight in front of the RS, when I kinda pushed you, near those white picket fences. I remember the corner of that building next to RS when I held you so tight because you wanted to leave me and I didn't want to let you go. I remember spending so much time in front of RS, where the Landbank sign is now, waiting for the bus and having a smoke.
And of course I remember THE place, where it all started. I remember us not being together yet, and me playing with your hand. I remember the pen you gave me. I remember SO MUCH. (then again, I remember you getting irritated at me for not remembering some stuff YOU remembered! :p)
I finally told someone. I had to get it out of my system. In a way, it also hurt, because it was the first time I acknowledged it, the first time I made it vocal, the first time I made it real. Up until that point no one knew (well, no one who didn't get on Friendster and looked at our profiles, of course), and I guess I could just pretend that it wasn't real, that I could avoid it, that I could somehow convince myself that we were still together and just in a really long, bad fight. But no, now it's out there.
I told V. We were talking about personal things, her feelings and stuff, when I figured it was a good idea to broach the topic with her. She was shocked. She couldn't believe it. She asked if you had your period. (hehe) But I told her this time felt different than all the other times before. This time felt final.
And you know what? She had her own story to tell. She was with a guy for two years. She started getting bored, like you now, I guess, and felt she needed a change. So they broke up, and after that happened, she realized that she still had feelings for him. She realized that she DIDN'T want to break up. But it was too late. Does that mean you're gonna do the same? I don't know, I don't think so. But I think if we ever do get back together, our relationship would have already changed because of it.
And then, I read this one guy's post on a message board, that he was with a girl for 3 years, I think, and she all of a sudden told him she wanted to move out of their place because she wanted to feel how it would be by herself again. She cheated on him (well, officially not, because they broke up), and felt so bad. He eventually took her back, and they're still together now, but, again, things were different already.
I guess girls wanting to just be by themselves happens more often than I thought! Bottom line, though, things are different. Or maybe, they have been different for you for a long time already?
I haven't told anyone else, though. I was thinking about texting Jenny to see what she thought, but I haven't. Budjik emailed me just saying hello, and I could've emailed him back with the news, but I didn't. I don't know, we'll see, I guess.
I've thought about moving on, though...you know, finding someone new. V said she had this friend who was asking her if she knew any guys she could be set up with, so that could be a possibility. Kensai also said he may have people to set me up with, but...I'm not ready yet.
But I don't know. I can't even imagine being with someone else...because, damn it, you're the only one I want.
posted by csfilsm at 5:27 AM
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