Martir

Slooooow day at work today. I'm almost internetted out! Almost. hehe.

And Hazel's been emailing. I really still don't understand her. She asked if I wanted to meet up for lunch today (at 1 am. :p For us night shift people, lunch happens around that time. Breakfast is still breakfast. Dinner is still dinner.) but I couldn't cuz there wouldn't be anyone else in the office. I guess what I don't understand is this desire to see me. I mean, yeah, fine, I haven't seen her in more than 3 months, and the first month or so, I was DESPERATE to see her, but that feeling has since faded. And I know that she doesn't want to see me just because of the ps1 I promised to give her for Xmas, because she knows I don't have it with me. Maybe she just really wants to see me? No hidden agendas?

My problem is, am I ready to see her again, and have no hidden agendas myself? Am I ready to see her and expect NOTHING? I'd like to think I am. But there is still that little part of me that is scared cuz what if when I do see her, all the emotions come flooding back and...and...well, I'm sure it's not gonna be a pretty sight. LOL. Should I keep on putting this off until she gets tired of asking to see me and then I DON'T see her ever again?

"Martir" is my favorite song on Sugarfree's "Dramachine." And fitting, as all their songs seem to be malleable enough to fit any situation! But yeah, I don't know if I'm beyond making "pa-martir" when it comes to Hazel. My mind tells me, tries to convince me not to let myself get hurt by her again, but who knows how my heart will react, especially if/when I see her in person.

Jeez, with all the shit happening in the world today, not the least of which is a 52,000 and mounting death toll because of the killer tsunami, I, of course, blog about Hazel and our insignificant little super-babaw post breakup games. LOL.

I said it before and I'll say it again.

I'm an idiot.

A selfish one.

Or maybe just martir.

Patay ang mga ilaw
Walang ibang nandito, kung di ako
Bakit ba kailangang ako ang maiwan
Bakit kailangan mong lumisan

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit nanamang magtakipsilim

Tama bang
Umasa't humiling
Marami pa akong dapat sisihin

Ilang ulit ba itong nangyari
Ilang gabi at dilim
Maraming beses nang iniyakan
Maraming beses. Hindi nakayanan

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit nanamang magtakipsilim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan
Nais lamang ay ang makapiling ka

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit nanamang magtakipsilim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan
Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Marami na akong tinagong lihim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo pa akong sinaktan
Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan

-"Martir," Sugarfree

Unang Araw

Only really "discovered" this song yesterday morning. Would have been nice if I knew about it 3 months ago, but better late than never! :)

Sadya ba talagang ganyan
Palakad-lakad ka't nakatungo
Sa'n patungo?
Ngayong wala ka na
Kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa
Sa'n ka na kaya?

Wag mo akong sisihin
Kung minsan ikay hanapin

Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na

Nasanay lang sigurong nand'yan ka
'Di ko inakalang pwede kang mawala, 'yan na nga
Nababato, nalulungkot
Luha'y napapawi ng singhot
At talukbong ng kumot

Wag mo akong sisihin
kung minsan ako'y iyakin

Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na

-"Unang Araw," Sugarfree

So Tired

I'm so tired today. So sleepy. I need an extra day to recover from my weekend! My weekends need weekends now as well! LOL!

Short recap:

1) Went to Peligro on Saturday night. Saw the Dawn play, but it was an acoustic set. Not bad, though, that singer can really hit the high notes! I missed it when they played U2's "Bad," which is prolly my favorite U2 song EVAR. Amazing what you can do with two chords. The best part, was when they said "enough of this acoustic shit," and powered up the amps! :) "She Sells Sanctuary" was AWESOME!!
2) Hung out on the second floor for a bit after the Dawn ended, just for a little house music. I dunno, I guess a part of me still needs dance music, you know? My night is not complete without it! Kinda strange how I always listen to both organic and electronic music everyday. Drums, bass and guitar when I'm at home, and doof doof doof music when I'm on the train...hehe.
3) Ate at North Park with Sam after, and then stopped by what used to be 78 Orange. And guess what? I think it's turned into a gay bar...after about 5 minutes inside, I noticed that there were like 3 or 4 girls that I could see, and there were way too many guys hugging each other and stuff. Now, I'm not that much of a homophobe, but it was way creepy. Hightailed it out of there FAST! Which sucks, cuz the music was pretty good. What also sucks, is that I have a lot of memories from that place! Too bad things change so fast.
4) I caught simbang gabi at 5 am with my mom! After getting home at 4:30...hehe. I am such a good boy!
5) Had dinner at Paseo Uno with "the girls" as planned on Sunday night. It was okay, not as fun as the first dinner we had, but at least the food was better! I had beef, and lots of it! Lots of sushi, too! Janice was the champion that night...hehe.
6) I've decided not to crush on the person I was deciding whether or not to crush on. Are crushes like love? Whereby you can decide whether or not you love someone? Or is it if you don't automatically crush on someone, and you have to think about it pa, it's not really a "real" crush? It's prolly because I still have to decide whether or not I'm crushing that I'm really not crushing. Also, there was this subtle "sign" that I felt that it was a no-go. No big.
7) Hazel texts on Monday morning, saying she wanted to meet up before work. Which is a bit weird, since I haven't seen her for more than 3 months! I ask her why, and she says "cuz I just miss talking to you." I said I couldn't, because I couldn't get up early enough, and didn't want to be a zombie at work, plus Monday is my busiest day. We made plans to meet up around midnight, but then that fell through as well because her bf had arrived in the office, and she couldn't sneak out anymore. She doesn't want her bf to know that she's seeing me. She's seeing me on the sly. Plus, she says she's lonely! I asked her how she could be lonely, if she had a bf beside her, and she was supposed to explain why to me when we met up, but obviously I didn't get that explanation, so now I'm still wondering why. I know they have their problems, but I still don't know what role she wants me to play in her life. Kensai would say she just wants me around, wants me to not get over her just so that she has me as a safety net, and maybe he's right. I also get the feeling she wants to "cheat" on her bf with me, but as to what the reasons are for all her recent actions are, I don't know. Would I see her if all she wanted from me was to cheat? Of course, my rational mind wants to say "hell no" but there is also a part of me that says "I don't know, really. Maybe." Maybe that teensy-weensy part of me is still not over her, after all. I told her it was no big deal that we didn't get to meet up, but I'm kinda hating myself for getting excited to see her again, and for maybe expecting "something" to happen. Ah hell, whatevs.

I can't control that girl, never could. So there's no point in trying now. It just sucks that she's feeling lonely. I don't like that. Even if she hurt me really bad and broke my heart, I still want her to be happy, and I am so overprotective of her.

I know, I know, I'm an idiot.

Profile

Since I feel this should now be a "real" blog rather than a bitch-about-the-ex-fest, I'll see if I can put down 101 things about me, but I doubt I'll get that far...hehe.

1) My name is Bob. It was given to me by an old editor in chief called Mikey way back in Freshman year of college.
2) I am a ddr freak. The most people I've had watching me play DDR was around 30 people, in Timezone G4. I choked from the pressure and failed the song I was doing. Everyone left. LOL.
3) I used to be a dvd freak. I probably bought 3-4 original DVDs a WEEK...until my money ran out...and my DVD player broke. I don't really buy DVDs anymore.
4) I drink. A lot.
5) I've been through too many musical phases. New Wave. Reggae. Pop. Glam Rock. Thrash Metal. Lilith Fair-y chick music. Electronic Dance Music. etc. etc. etc. Right now, I mostly listen to Urbandub.
6) I hate getting my hair cut. But I've only had it long once in my life. I should get a haircut on Sunday, but we'll see...
7) I work nights, but don't work for a call center.
8) I am a big videogamer. Now addicted to PS2. I've been there since the Atari 2600 - NES - Sega Genesis - SNES - PS1 - PS2. Games on the computer, too. I need more free time in my life. 9) I played in a band in college. Guitar and vocals. The best experience was playing ORSEM 1992, hitting the beginning riff of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and having the whole place explode.
10) I like Chinese movies.
11) I hate commuting. To pass the time, I listen to my MD player. Only have 6 or so discs, though, so they're getting a bit stale. I want an ipod for Xmas.
12) I used to skateboard every day, but don't really have a lot of time these days. I can at least ollie over stuff.
13) One of the coolest things that happened to me was walking through the crowded dancefloor at Orange 3 or 4 years ago. I felt someone's hand and clasped it. She squeezed and I squeezed back. I never got to see her face.
14) When I fall, I fall HARD. As evident in the archives.
15) It's not easy for me to fall for someone, though.
16) I am a collector. CDs, DVDs, PS1 games, PS2 games, Tech Decks, magazines. In other words, I have a lot of junk in my room. A lot of it still in boxes.
17) I have a fetish for redheads. With freckles all over. And very pale skin. An ex dyed her hair red once to cater to this fetish. Then she braided it. And looked like Pippi Longstocking...hehe.
18) I only watch sports during the playoffs.
19) I used to be a vegetarian. I stopped right after 9/11. I figured, "well, the world is going to shit, life's too short, might as well not deprive myself from all the food I've been missing."
20) I was in the choir in high school. We traveled to Sydney, Australia at the invite of a catholic girls' school. It was awesome walking around the school, being treated like a celebrity just for being a guy, and having random hottie aussie chicks say "Hi" to you and smile.
21) My favorite class in college was Philosophy. Especially "Philosophy of Religion," even if I am not that religious.
22) I hardly watch TV, because of my schedule. There is one show, though, that I never miss...The Amazing Race. I heart Kendra, even though she is whiny and kinda racist. Call me shallow, but I forgive her because of her hotness....hehe.


Okay, I didn't get to 101...LOL. To be continued.

Birthday

Grrr, I wanted to write a nice long blog today, but I'm running out of time! Damn work, getting in the way of the important things in life! LOL!

So anyway, yeah, it was my birthday yesterday. Much fun. Lots of texts. A call from Hazel. :p

(Oh yeah, I decided to change the format of this blog, whereby I'm not addressing all the posts to Hazel anymore. Thinking about it now, I don't know why I addressed every post to her in the first place, I guess it was just easier that way. No longer do I want this blog to be just about her, though. It's about me now. hehe. So who am I addressing now? You, my dear reader, the whole wide world. :)

Went out Saturday, recovered on Sunday. Lots of fun too.

I'll update tomorrow. Running out of time, and I have so much on my mind to relate!

4 more days...to another killer weekend! hehe.

So...happy birthday to me. :)

Back soon.

P.S. - I really felt loved today. Really. I was/am happy. It was a good birthday. It's funny how I sometimes feel like I'm so alone, and then your birthday comes along, and you realize how there are so many people out there that know you and keep you in mind on days such as your birthday. And it's not only the people you know. It's the WORLD. The WORLD makes sure that you will have a good day on your birthday.

P.S.2 - Meeting Kristine tomorrow, hopefully. I really do hope she got me the Urbandub CD, which I feel she did. I also hope I get enough sleep! Still recovering from the weekend!!

Changes

I can't believe it...I saw your new picture on Friendster, and I can't believe how different you look now. SO DIFFERENT. It feels like you're a totally different person now...

Well, that's prolly cuz you ARE a totally different person now, but it was so amazing how different you looked. So far removed from my memories and how I pictured you. Maybe it's all gonne come back to me if we ever do see each other in person again, but it is SO weird.

Part of me felt like it was like seeing you for the first time. Maybe it's because this time, the blinders are off, you know? You know how they say "Love is Blind?" Well, maybe I've regained my sight.

That one picture of you, the one with your officemates...OMFG you looked horrendous there!!! You may say I'm only saying this because I'm bitter, but I'm not. I'm just being honest...(ha! That was always and forever YOUR LINE.) I don't know what's going on!!! When we were together, you were this goddess in my eyes, you know? I guess that's cuz I put you on this pedestal and worshipped you.

But now...seeing your pictures...a certain aura has been stripped away. You don't seem like such a goddess anymore. You seem...ordinary. Just another face in the sea of faces that I've waded through my entire life. I don't even know if I would recognize you walking down the street anymore, you look THAT different.

Maybe this is the beginning for me, you know? The beginning of the end. When the feelings have finally, TRULY, HONESTLY subsided. When I have made a decision to stop loving you, and will not fall into it again so easily...

The egomaniac in me says you're not as pretty as you used to be because you're not with me anymore, and I made you beautiful...hehe, but my god, babe. Whatever you're doing to yourself, stop it right now, because it's not doing you good.

When did you turn downright FUGLY????

Versus

I *heart* this song!!! It is, as Chandler would say, perfection. :)

I’m so tired of being left behind
Eating dust, pushed and shoved
Beaten up and blinded
I’m praying for the day when it ends.
So goodbye to the sun for now
‘till I come back again
when I do, you’re the fool
I’ll be pushing you…

Standing on the back line
But now I’m way ahead (couldn’t believe it)

I’m so tired of being left alone
Looked down, written off
Got to learn to fight it
I’ll be laughing last when this all ends.
So goodbye to the sun
for now‘till I come back again
when I do, you’re the fool
I’ll be pushing you…

Standing on the back line
But now I’m way ahead (couldn’t believe it)
Was crawling for a long time
Now I’m way ahead (couldn’t believe it)

I’m ready to take everything right back
It’s a brand new day
The fire in my heart, it burns

-"Versus," Urbandub