Anchor

I stuck in the Lifehouse CD with the above song, after the longest time, and listened to it a bit before work. I don't know if you remember me texting you those lyrics, because that was right at the beginning of our relationship.

I know that I'll never be alone
You will never let me go
You are my anchor
Hold my hand
While I'm sinking in the sand
No one else could understand
You are my anchor

I think that's why I clung on to you these past couple of years; you gave me a purpose in life, a direction. You were my anchor, my safe haven. I guess all I was looking at when we were together was our future. I kept on telling myself that times may be rough now, but they will get better in the future. What I neglected was to ensure that we'd make it through the present, to make the present endurable to ensure that we'd get to the future. Sadly enough, we didn't make it there, and I'm sorry for that. It's something that I will take with me, and I hope I don't make the same mistake again.

On another note, I really am thoroughly enjoying my PS2. :) I started getting into this game that Sam lent me, called ICO, and it is really cool! I can't wait to get home and play it. I actually got to the first save place, and I've seen a couple more after that, but I can't seem to find a way to get the princess to the save points. Of course, you can't save unless the princess is with you! But I'm sure I'll figure it out. I also can't wait until DDR Extreme gets here but the Japanese version is really a lot better. Too bad it's so hard to find now! I'll prolly check in Glorietta on Saturday morning.

Not much else to say. I hope life is treating you well. Take care always.

PS - Hm, I wonder when the best time to show you all this would be...:)

My Happy Ending

I really don't much like the Avril song that serves as the title of this entry, but I was watching MTV before work today when I was getting ready, and it felt like I was hearing the lyrics for the first time, and funnily enough, they fit perfectly!

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Scary, huh? But well, not much relationship stuff in this post, I guess I can elaborate on what I learned, and where I went wrong, etc. next time.

What I did realize, though, that's kinda scary, is I don't even know if I do want to get back together with you. I mean, yeah, I miss everything, like being with you, and hanging out on Saturday mornings, and getting a sweet text from you every day, but thinking about it, I don't really have very good reasons of wanting to get back together with you. Kensai asked me why, and I said, "Well, it's because we've been together for so long and I don't want to feel like it was all a waste of time." He said "Two years isn't THAT long, and don't EVER feel like you've wasted your time, because every experience we go through is a learning experience." Another reason I gave was "What if I don't find anyone else like you?" and after thinking about it, I know that's not a good reason either.

The romantic in me wants to say so much that I want to get back together with you because I need YOU, and that's all that matters. Sadly, though, I don't know if that's true anymore. Maybe I lost the feeling as well, and the convenience of having you there was what I thought to be "love." We really have to talk about everything, get a sense of closure one of these days.

Anyway, my weekend was great. Hung out with Kensai and Kristine like I mentioned, then hung out with Kensai in Rockwell for a little bit after. I played on a total of 3 DDR machines...5th mix in Greenbelt, Extreme in Glorietta, and then Extreme again in Rockwell. The Extreme in Rockwell was REALLY nice. The pads felt new, and all the songs were unlocked. Too bad I really couldn't play as much as I wanted to cuz I was with friends, but anyway, had a good time all in all.

On Sunday, I finally got my PS2 replaced, and now it works like a charm! :) SO awesome! With the old PS2, I felt like I was really regretting it, and it was a big waste of money, because half the games I bought weren't working, and the DVD player wasn't working either, but now, I feel I can start getting into it more. The DVD player works fine, but only for R3 DVDs, which isn't so bad, and only a couple of games don't work anymore (NBA Street, which the people at Greenhills said was buggy anyway, and, unfortunately, DDRMax!!!), but now I don't regret getting it anymore (now that I have a lot of free time to play, haha). I was watching Animatrix and Matrix: Reloaded over the weekend and that just ROCKED.

What else? Not much. Gotta get going. :)

You know what's funny? Right after I realize that I'm not as into you as I used to be, and I'm not sure if I still wanna get back together, you start communicating, sending me email and text.

Weirdness. But that's how the world works, I suppose.

I Should've Never Let You Go

You know what?

I am in such a bittersweet mood right now, but in a way, I am kinda happy.

I met up with Kensai and Kristine today, and learned so many new things! :) I now know what I did wrong in our relationship, and I know now what to do. I'll let you know that on Monday, when I'm coherent enough (vodka red bull and beer, you're my only friends, hehe) but suffice it to say, I'm feeling I can move on properly now. My vision has cleared, and thanks to my friends, I now know what path I have to take.

A preview:

• No expectations
• Let you know that I am always here for you

I'll elaborate on Monday, but I'm at a place where I am content.

Had a grand old time with my friends, and it seems like we were just apart yesterday, when it has been YEARS! As predicted, when all three of us got together, there were fireworks, hehe. Things were pretty funny! It was like I was back in college!

But anyway, a shout out to those two. You guys fucking RAWK! And you'll get your Gmail invites on Monday, hehe.

Kristine, thanks for always being there for me, and giving me a woman's point of view.

Kensai, thanks for putting everything in perspective for me, and showing me where I went wrong, even though I couldn't see it to begin with.

And to you, sweet Hazel, just to let you know, I am at peace now.

Details at 11. Hehe.

PS - I listened to Jules again...I missed her.

PS2 - Gotta get my PS2 replaced tomorrow...oh, I am so damn witty...LOL.

L8rs

I Just Called To Say...

Hm, so you decide to email me, to ask how I was doing?

And then I reply, and then you don't reply back?

Weirdness. I don't get it. Was that like a genuine concern for how I was doing, or were you doing it because you felt guilty about everything that's happened? Or maybe you want me to run after you again and beg you to see me today? Nah, not gonna happen. Not anymore.

You know, I hate this wishy-washy shit. That's why I broke up with Anne. Talk to me, or don't talk to me at all, you know? Don't give me this half-way crap.

I SO don't get you right now.

You're a weeeeiiiirdo. Hehe.

You know what I've been thinking? What if we do get to that point after a month or so, where you suddenly decide to want me back? I haven't really thought about what I would do yet. It depends on what I was feeling at the time, and whether my feelings for you were still there, but I can assure you that I'm NOT gonna make it as easy for you as I usually do. Because something's different this time, and I think our relationship needs a paradigm shift. An evolution. But hell, all this could be wishful thinking, right?

You know what I really need? A fuck buddy. Wanna be my fuck buddy? :p

Deadbeat Club

Woohoo, it's Friday! :)

I used to live for Fridays, or Saturday mornings, as you know. It was my favorite time of the week ever. I still love Saturdays. I go home in the afternoon, sleep-deprived and tired from DDR, ready to hit the red bull gin, zone out drunk for a couple of hours, have dinner, and then climb blissfully into bed.

Today is gonna be different, and I have good news and bad news.

The bad news, as you now, is that you're no longer willing to spend Saturday mornings with me, because you'd rather go out at night with all your friends. Fine. That's your choice, and nothing I can do to stop you. (Even if we were still together, and you wanted to do that, you know I wouldn't have stopped you then either...just so you know.)

The GOOD news is...I'm meeting up with Kristine and Kensai. Later. At Glorietta!!!!! :) Yesssss!!! I'm so excited! I needed (still do) some support, some way to fill the void in my life that you have left with your departure, and this is the way I'll do it. With old, old friends. :)

(Aside: I took your pictures out of my wallet. Now, there's nothing there but black. In a way, it's kinda sad, because it feels like you leaving has left a black hole, not only in my wallet, but in me as well, but I guess I'd rather have that black hole there than pictures of you smiling at me, so that I could pretend things between us were still cool.)

Did you know that I've known Kensai and Kristine for 13 YEARS?? My god, that is a LONG ass time!! That is just a little bit less than half of my life. They may as well be childhood pals. Besides seeing Kristine a couple of weeks ago for a bit, I haven't seen them in forever, and of course, the chemistry when all three of us are together is TOTALLY different than when it's just one-on-one. So I'm excited. Like you know, I texted Kensai a couple of days ago, and then yesterday morning, I checked to see if Kristine was available, and she WAS! :) I told her about us, and she said "Wait, I didn't even get to meet her!!" Too late now, I guess. What really got to me, though, was later on, when I thanked her for coming, she said "I have always been there for you, and that will never change." That was SO touching, and put a smile on my face! A little ray of sunshine through all the gloom and doom is refreshing! But anyway, I'm excited. I don't know yet what we're gonna do, prolly just hang out and talk and maybe eat and maybe have a couple of beers, but I can't wait. I love them. And what I love about them the most is that our relationship NEVER seems to change. We can get together, and then it seems like we can just pick up from where we left off, never mind if where we left off was YEARS ago. Oooh, it's gonna be fun! :)

I was good,
I could talk
A mile a minute,
On this caffeine buzz I was on
We were really hummin'
We would talk every day for hours
We belong to the deadbeat club

Do You Remember Me?

You know what sucks?

You haven't seen me play DDR in a while! I'm getting pretty good! I passed 5 or so new songs last Saturday, including a 9 (...I Feel) and Max 300 on Standard, which I've been trying to pass for the longest time! Felt so good about myself. And then, on Sunday, I was playing in Megamall, and actually worked up quite the crowd...prolly like 10 people or so watching. Did two songs that are locked on the Glorietta Extreme - Sync and Last Message. I dunno, I might play when I get home today, cuz it's been a while since I played. Then again, I might just play Amplitude instead. It's this new music game I got for the PS2...that's right, I finally got the PS2, and I haven't even told you. It sucks, though, it's kinda broken. Half the games I bought for it don't play, the DVD player doesn't work, can't really see the opening screen cuz it's PAL and the system is wrong, etc. etc. I think I got a dud machine...like they just put it together from old parts and slapped a shiny exterior on it. Anyway, that's on my agenda for Sunday, and I hope they do change it...they'd fucking better!

You haven't even seen my haircut, and you were the one who wanted me to get it! I bet the next time we see each other (if ever), my hair would've grown out again cuz it grows so fast...hehe. I know you hate my hair anyway...LOL.

There is a beautiful sunrise going on right now outside the window. It's a brilliant orange, almost neon. I can see it reflecting off the TV. But you're prolly sleeping right now. Oh well.

Anyway, looks like I'll be hanging out in Glorietta again on Saturday morning. I texted Kensai to see if he wanted to meet up, talk about things (I told him already about us as well), and he said he'd be there. So I'm really looking forward to that. Seeing old friends.

See what I mean when I said you were my whole world? You were. I didn't even hang out with anyone else, except my brother for a little bit on Saturday night before I fell asleep, and the Sundays we didn't hang out in ATC. I just realized now that I practically threw myself into you. Hell, I didn't even hang out with my family on the weekends to be with you! Didn't hang out with my friends anymore.

Maybe that's part of what the problem was. It was like we had blinders on for each other only, and I guess that could only go on for so long.

You know, I DO understand you, I do. But it hurts, and it makes me sad.

What also hurts, though, is the feeling I get that this isn't bothering you AT ALL.

It would be nice to get some kind of indication that you're also affected by this...

Doubt I'll get one, though.

Whoa

There was this "What Matrix Persona Are You?" quiz that I saw today, and of course, I had to take it.

One guess as to which character I turned out to be. Hehe.

If You're Not The One

You know, it's really the little things that kill me, that twist the knife just a little bit more. Like yesterday, when I was on my way home, walking through PSE, seeing that place where you usually sat and waited for me, imagining you there. I remembered the time when you were talking to Malen when she was having problems with her love life, and you were so sweet in comforting her. I remembered walking the other way around so you couldn't see me and I could creep up on you and surprise you...I remember so many things just from that one place.

And then the place where we always waited for the bus. I could imagine us there, arms around each other as always, that first hug on Saturday morning being the best. God, how I wish I could hold you again. I loved just feeling you close to me, and burying my face in your neck, inhaling the scent of you.

And then, on the way to work today, the bus didn't stop off at Paseo, so I had to get off at Sykes, and of course all those places brought back so many memories as well. I remember our big fight in front of the RS, when I kinda pushed you, near those white picket fences. I remember the corner of that building next to RS when I held you so tight because you wanted to leave me and I didn't want to let you go. I remember spending so much time in front of RS, where the Landbank sign is now, waiting for the bus and having a smoke.

And of course I remember THE place, where it all started. I remember us not being together yet, and me playing with your hand. I remember the pen you gave me. I remember SO MUCH. (then again, I remember you getting irritated at me for not remembering some stuff YOU remembered! :p)

I finally told someone. I had to get it out of my system. In a way, it also hurt, because it was the first time I acknowledged it, the first time I made it vocal, the first time I made it real. Up until that point no one knew (well, no one who didn't get on Friendster and looked at our profiles, of course), and I guess I could just pretend that it wasn't real, that I could avoid it, that I could somehow convince myself that we were still together and just in a really long, bad fight. But no, now it's out there.

I told V. We were talking about personal things, her feelings and stuff, when I figured it was a good idea to broach the topic with her. She was shocked. She couldn't believe it. She asked if you had your period. (hehe) But I told her this time felt different than all the other times before. This time felt final.

And you know what? She had her own story to tell. She was with a guy for two years. She started getting bored, like you now, I guess, and felt she needed a change. So they broke up, and after that happened, she realized that she still had feelings for him. She realized that she DIDN'T want to break up. But it was too late. Does that mean you're gonna do the same? I don't know, I don't think so. But I think if we ever do get back together, our relationship would have already changed because of it.

And then, I read this one guy's post on a message board, that he was with a girl for 3 years, I think, and she all of a sudden told him she wanted to move out of their place because she wanted to feel how it would be by herself again. She cheated on him (well, officially not, because they broke up), and felt so bad. He eventually took her back, and they're still together now, but, again, things were different already.

I guess girls wanting to just be by themselves happens more often than I thought! Bottom line, though, things are different. Or maybe, they have been different for you for a long time already?

I haven't told anyone else, though. I was thinking about texting Jenny to see what she thought, but I haven't. Budjik emailed me just saying hello, and I could've emailed him back with the news, but I didn't. I don't know, we'll see, I guess.

I've thought about moving on, though...you know, finding someone new. V said she had this friend who was asking her if she knew any guys she could be set up with, so that could be a possibility. Kensai also said he may have people to set me up with, but...I'm not ready yet.

But I don't know. I can't even imagine being with someone else...because, damn it, you're the only one I want.

You Got It Bad

Do you even feel anything? Sadness? Regret?

Of course, you'd never tell me...you never tell me anything anyway.

I'm sorry, I really don't want this to be all hurtful and stuff but I guess that's the mood I'm in right now, and probably will be for a while. I don't even want to think about how Saturday morning is gonna be like. Then again, I guess you could say I'm used to spending Saturday mornings alone after having done so twice in the past three weeks. I think I'm not gonna wait for the mall to open anymore for DDR, though, I'll just go straight home. Maybe go out Saturday night...wouldn't it be funny if we accidentally met somewhere?

I wonder why we never did that...skip our Saturday morning get-together and just get together on Saturday night. Would that have made a difference? Nah, I don't think so, not with how little time we're spending now. You know what worked perfectly for me? When we would hang out in Glorietta on Saturday after VL, and then meet up again in ATC on Sunday. With that, I really felt like we were getting in our quality time, and the relationship wouldn't have deteriorated. But of course, you got sick...and started not liking commuting in Alabang...and started not wanting to hang out in malls and watching movies...and that was the end of that.

The TV is conspiring against me...it's on HBO, and "The Sweetest Thing" is on. It's the scene where Cameron Diaz is in a club talking to this one guy, and "You Got It Bad" starts playing, and of course I feel a twinge.

I still remember that CD you gave me...that was so sweet of you. I remember getting a note from you every day when we were on different shifts. I remember going to work early on Mondays, so that we could hang out before work, and then going out and watching a movie at Greenbelt, and then writing you a note in McDonald's. I remember all the cute stationery you wrote your notes on. I remember Italianni's and Grappa in Greenbelt. Of course, I remember our first movie ever, The Ring. Meeting Kensai there. And the one time we played 5th mix there. I remember it ALL. We created so many memories back in the day and it sucks that you no longer want to create any more. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing more reminiscing here before I'm through. Maybe that's the way to get over this...relive all the moments, that are still so fresh in my mind, one by one, and then let them go...

Most of all right now, I'm just wondering where it all went downhill, and if there was something I could've done to prevent it...

U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

Lover, You Should've Come Over

You are so good at being passive-aggressive, aren't you? Yes, I saw your updated profile on friendster. Couldn't wait to let the world know, could you? Wasn't there even a grace mourning period?

That's what I always hated about you, your inability to communicate. Or maybe, your inability to communicate with me. Like the times I'd go on and on, letting you know how I feel, and I would get no reaction back from you. It was so frustrating, like talking to a brick wall. And how you would not text or email me cuz you said you didn't have anything to say? Grrr!

Anyway, enough of that. I had a little pity party for one when I got home yesterday, haha. I actually listed to Jeff Buckley again. Do you remember that? It was the CD I listened to when right after Subic. But it didn't work this time, didn't really make me feel better. But I'm sure as each day passes, it WILL get easier and easier.

It's funny, there was actually this article on MSN when I got into work today. Pretty fitting, don't you think? Especially the points below:

• You compare your partner to others. When you love someone, you don't compare him or her to others. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship.
• You try to change your partner. Often we fall in love with people who don't suit us. If you find that you're constantly trying to change your partner, it may be time to move on.
• You're doing all the giving (or all the getting). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy.

Or maybe I'm just bitter? Anyway...more later. This blog stuff is more addicting than I thought!

You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

I'm not sure where to begin, and for sure this will not be organized at all, but I wanted a place to let you know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling from day to day. This will be my therapy, I suppose, a place to let everything out, and I guess when I feel like I no longer need to write here, then I know that I'd have moved on.

It's so hard, you know, losing the feeling. I suppose I should tell you now that I've been feeling the loss as well, and would you believe that I could even see this happening a couple of weeks ago? I just didn't want to believe that it would. But now I guess it has. We shall see. Who knows what will happen in the future.

But I do want you to know that I've tried so hard to make it work. So damn hard. Because I meant everything I told you, mean it even now. Yea, it may sound generic and stale and passion-less by now, because you've heard my words over and over and over, but know that each time I told you I loved you, and each time I told you I missed you, and each time I told you I wanted to be with you, I meant it.

But like I said earlier, if you love someone, set them free, right? Of course I didn't tell you the second part of that phrase, which is "if they come back to you, then they are yours forever. If they don't, it was never meant to be." I guess if I believe in our relationship so much, and believe so much that we are meant to be, then I should have faith, right? We've never been at this stage before, and I don't even know if there will be any more stages, but this is the biggest test I will have to face, and let me tell you, you've put me through SO MANY tests already. I'll leave it up to fate, I guess.

But it's so hard....sooooo hard. Because right now all I can think of is the past, and when things were so good for us. I mean, yeah, I'll admit that recently, we basically degenerated to a weekly one-night stand, but it wasn't always like this, and that's why it's so hard. I'll admit we've had our good times and our bad times, and our bad times were pretty bad...but you have to admit that the good times were pretty good too. They were amazingly good.

I remember the times when we were blissfully happy, when not seeing each other for an hour led to utter desperation. Remember those days? I guess I'll reminisce in another post. So stay tuned. :)

Why am I doing this? Because I have so much in me to say to you, and I want a place where I can just come to and pour everything out.

Why am I doing it online? I don't know. Maybe so that someone out there can see it and maybe learn from it. Who knows. We will see. My mind is frazzled, as you can probably tell.

PS - It's funny that the song your first linked to me was "I Can't Fight This Feeling" It's really all about feelings, isn't it?